Reflection

I have recently gone back through the briefs and taken note of some of the key points within those that I need to take into consideration over the next few weeks. The main module brief has made me consider this project as more of a whole, aiming for a completely refined, and selected body of work at the end where I understand what it is that I have achieved, who I am as a person and in a way the entire journey I have made throughout the degree. The subject of the Rhizome is about a never ending cycle of connections, the brief has encouraged me to really look back at what I have done up until this point and how this is reflected in this final project. I want to consider a few key moments and how these have effected not only my practice but also who I am today. I will be considering elements that have had a continuous presence in my studio work, and whether these are still relevant as to where I am now, as well as important moments that have continued to resonate with my studio practice. I also want to look closely at the first semester of the final year and the beginning of this semester as this was a turbulent but crucial time which led to a realisation about where my interests really lie and who I am as an art student. Finally, I hope to fully question where it is I am now and what it is I am trying to achieve with this final project and what exactly it is that I have learnt about myself as an art student and a person. 

I have always loved reading, history and writing. I was completely fascinated by the first year Contextual Studies module, it seemed to combine many of my interests. I loved reading through the various texts, attempting to understand what it is that the writers were trying to say. I think this itself is a really important part of why I am at where I am now in my studio practice. I always enjoyed working out what was hidden within the text, reading texts like I was decoding a puzzle, I think this is similar to the way in which I am interested in the relationship between the artist and the artwork, what it is they are trying to say, what is the purpose of the piece in front of them. This is extremely relevant to my most recent work. My work is often greatly influenced by some sort of reading or theory. In the second year my practice was largely based around Carl Jung’s theory of the ‘Shadow’, this remained a solid element throughout the second year. The first semester of the final year was influenced by the works of Susan Sontag like ‘On photography’ and also a book entitled ‘Contemporary Art and Memory: Images of recollection and remembrance’ by Joan Gibbons, both of which I found incredibly influential. Sontag is a favourite of mine and I am currently looking into her book ‘Where the Stress Falls’ (2001) for this final project. My dissertation was focused on Roland Barthes’ ‘The Death of the Author’ (1967), and also looked at the writings of Foucault, Joseph Kosuth, Fred Orton and Susan Sontag. This text had been one of my favourites right from the first year. Barthes's exploration of the role of the reader (audience) and that of the author (artist) and the work was often something that I referred to throughout my studio work, it seemed fitting to explore this text for my third year dissertation. This was also an incredibly important turning point for my studio work, my dissertation has greatly influenced my studio practice for this final year, and I am surprised about the relevance of the topic of my dissertation to where I am with my studio practice now. All of these elements pointed to an interest in others, in the relationship between their intentions, ideas, what they produce and their work. My studio practice has always been more closely associated with Conceptual Art, the emphasis on the idea and the concept linking well with the reading that I enjoyed in the Contextual Studies module. I have known that I wanted to continue to study art theory at MA level since the second year, there really was no other choice in my opinion for a subject to study further. After a challenging application process I was offered a place at Goldsmiths, London to study the MA in Contemporary Art Theory. It is evident that my interests lie in the work of others, what drives them and also in understanding. This course is not only something that will further future career aspirations but is also something I know I will enjoy every minute of, I feel it is truly what I am meant to be doing, and I find it surprising how so many different events and changes over the last few years have pointed me in this direction. 

Coming into the degree I was a completely different person to who I am now. I enjoyed painting portraits and photography, my idea of what art was was incredibly limited. This showed in my work for the very first module, there was no direction, and it was like my mind had been completely opened up to something I previously didn’t know very much about. Being an art student isn’t just something you study, it is a lifestyle choice. Everything I have learnt over the last few years has completely changed the way I think about the things around me. It was never about just learning how to paint and draw, in a way I could already do that. What I have learnt is about the importance of other artists work, discussing these and learning from the way in which exhibitions are curated, the importance of meaning and the context in which the work is placed. I have realised the importance of art history, and the way in which what was done before us is what will be shaping us today and in the future. This meant that for me my studio work was often detached emotionally, as I mentioned my work was very conceptual and idea based. For me the idea behind the work was more important than the finished article. My love for reading and the effect this had on my practice often meant that the subjects of my work were not personal, but critical, they were based on thought and ideas. This lack of the personal element for me I feel is what distances me from the role of the artist. I make works to create a better understanding for myself, to question what I have read or something I have seen. In certain cases I have struggled to even make any work at all, as for me there was no desire to. I do not possess that artistic gut feeling drive that I see around me daily. I am fascinated by the other students, the way in which they put themselves into their work, I see the individuals as being the final part of the puzzle, they are a part of the work themselves. I have often been envious of this ability for the other students to just sit up in the studio and make something, and it be meaningful to them. I find this virtually impossible to do, and I realise now that this is because I find myself being more of a critical observer. I notice, watch and read from the things that are happening around me, I have always been interested in what the other students are doing and why, what drives them. I previously thought that it was because I wanted to be able to see if I could finally find that similar drive within myself, but I realise now that that is not the case. I now know that what I was doing then, was what I wanted to be doing all along. I wanted to uncover how these people thought, what inspires them, what they are really trying to say. I was bringing the enjoyment I found in art theory, into my studio practice. Translating how I work in that situation to my work in the studio, whether at the time it was effective or not. I feel that my misunderstanding of this would have caused a disconnection between what I was trying to achieve and what I was actually achieving. 

I am going to consider a few key pieces of work that eventually led to the understanding I now have about myself as an art student. The first piece is the work that I did for the Pop-Up exhibition at Firstsite. First site was showing a Bruce McLean exhibition, which I found incredibly relevant to my dissertation in the ways in which McLean worked and the concepts of some of his pieces. I realised that my greater understanding of some of his paintings and photographs could have been because of my dissertation research. I considered how someone who was unfamiliar to this topic would see his work when walking around the exhibition. I wanted to explore this further and took my Nan and my Mum to Firstsite and showed them around the space, recording their movements and the conversation that they had. My Nan was pleasant but critical of not only the work but the institution of art itself, she spoke of how if she understood things more she would have most likely found the work more interesting. She questioned the value of education and the miscommunication between art and the public. I found that everything that my Nan said was exactly what I had expected her to say, I have often felt a conflict with my family over what art really is. They have little interest in my work that is conceptual and idea based as they do not understand it. For the Pop-Up exhibition I used a manual camera and documented them interacting with the space, captioning the photographs with some of the things that my Nan mentioned throughout the morning. For myself I was unsure of the work, I felt that I was trying to accomplish something a lot bigger than what I could do, which had been a problem for me in the past. I was concerned that my small comment on the way in which art and the exhibition was very distant from the public was naive in it’s attempt. I was unsure of the format and the layout, and experimented with slipping smaller copies into hand outs and also explored working with film. There are many different reasons as to why this was such a key piece of work for my development. My tutor Jane thought that this was one of my stronger pieces of work, it was slightly humorous and subtly critiqued the institution, this distant and critical approach was what Jane suggested was strong about my practice. There were also connections with the media I used, I have loved working with film photography ever since we did the photography module. I loved the entire process, and working in the dark room. I felt that it was both distant and personal, I was apart from the studio yet by going through these manual individual stages of developing the photograph I was putting myself in the work. This process of photography, and the personal connection I felt was key for the next piece of work I wish to mention. This was the work I made for The Waiting Room exhibition, which happened at almost the same time as the Firstsite Pop Up exhibition. I photographed spaces in my Nan’s house, trying to capture the essence of her in objects. We were working for the brief ‘Hyperdrawing’ and I looked at the way in which drawing was a mark we not only made on paper but also on life. This was influenced by a text by Emma Dexter called ‘To Draw is to be Human’ which is also the name of my blog. I looked at the way in which my Nan made marks not only on the space around her but also my life. This was the beginning of my attempt to incorporate a more personal element into my work. Taking photographs of my Nan’s house was right for that piece, I experimented with a poetic artist statement as opposed to my usual formal piece of writing. The reception of this work was good, particularly by my family, I also had my safety net of a greater theory context behind the work. This experiment with adding a personal element was something that I felt I really needed to explore, I still searched to find that drive that I see in others within myself. That drive to work and to make. I continued on with the idea of this work for the final piece that I handed in for the second year. I was pleased with the work and felt it was one of the stronger hand-ins I had done. The work was a sound piece that was a conversation between my Nan and me when going through old photographs, it was an emotional piece of work, and I often found it very hard to listen to. At the time I thought that that emotional connection I was getting was finally what I needed for my work, that I might really be reaching that point in my practice where I found that spark. Feedback for this piece of work made me feel particularly negative about being on this course. Jane suggested that the work was not strong enough, that the pieces where I was distant and in particular the Firstsite piece were stronger. After feeling like I was finally getting somewhere with my practice this was a serious knock to my confidence, although it was hard at the time I now realise the importance of this moment. 

I had both my lowest and highest point all on one day. I was feeling incredibly down as I had lost my way with my work, I no longer had a subject matter, or any enthusiasm to find one. I figured that I really wasn’t an artist at all. That evening I went to Goldsmiths and found out about my acceptance to the MA in Contemporary Art Theory course, I never really believed that I could get in and during a lecture on the specifics of the course and the excitement I felt about studying this further, I realised that Jane had been correct about my studio practice. The personal element really wasn’t who I was as an art student. I was distant, I was critical and I observed to try and discover what was underneath, what something really meant. I worked with writing and texts, theories and ideas, exploring those visually to create a better understanding. The final physical thing was not important, it was what was being said, the concept and the idea that were vital for me. It wasn't long after this that I realised that I needed to attempt to explore adding the personal element to get to this point, I needed to see that it wouldn’t work, that there was a disconnection with it to realise truly where I stand. 

My aim for this semester has continued to develop into where I am at now with my studio practice. My original intention was to take the idea of the Bruce McLean critique further and document the public in a gallery space and the conversations they had. I felt a disconnection when I tried to put this idea into action, and because of the experience I have had with this feeling previously I felt that trying to persevere was pointless; it was not the right thing for me to be doing. I had considered when throwing ideas around for this to interview some of the students and get their opinion on the role of the artist, the work and the viewer and some of the more difficult questions associated with the art world. Jane suggested making a film for the final exhibition, similar to the one Tracey Emin made for her exhibition ‘The Last Great Adventure is You’. I volunteered to make this film as I thought that it would be a great experience, on reflection I thought about what Jane was asking me to do and realised that this was exactly what I wanted to be doing, therefore I proposed that I take the idea further. I have been reading ‘Making contemporary art: How modern artists think and work’ by Linda Weintraub and the book highlights the way in which different artists work, and the introduction started with what I felt were really key questions. Why are you an artist? Who is your audience? How do you communicate with your audience? What motivates you to make works of art? What is arts function in society? These were not only difficult questions to ask but linked my work closely with the reading that I had been doing. My aim for this project is to ask the students these questions, finally discovering for myself how they think and where they think their place is in the art world. I feel now I have discovered mine, I would really like to discover theirs. I plan to film and record their answers, editing this together into a short film for the final exhibition. I aim to work in an essay film format, which focuses on narration, editing, music, silence and found footage. The quality of the footage and the sound isn’t great in these, and this will work well with the noise of the studios, I hope to play with subtitles and exploring the use of sound and language. I am excited about this project and the more I continue to film and gather this information the more I realise I am doing the right thing. People fascinate me and I feel honoured that the students are being a part of this with me. I plan to continue writing, researching and reading. I aim to publish the transcripts along with the film, as I feel everything that is said is important, not just the small bits I pick out. I do not want any part of this information that I have gathered to be lost and forgotten, as I have come to realise every small thing can be incredibly important and I don’t want to lose any of it. Just like I wouldn’t change anything that has happened over the last few years, as these things have lead me to where I am now.